The Entire History of Earth (From the Big Bang to Britney)

Welcome to The VOODEED Guide to the History of Earth, your one-stop shop for the complete rundown of life, time, and evolution—from molten rock blobs to pop princesses. This isn’t your dusty old documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman (bless him). This is a timeline that slaps. Let’s go.

1. The Big Bang (13.8 Billion Years Ago)

The ultimate "soft launch." An explosion of literally everything from absolutely nothing. Space, time, matter—boom. Think of it as the original chaotic rebrand. Suddenly, atoms are doing the most, and the universe is born. Thank you, physics.

2. Earth Forms (4.5 Billion Years Ago)

Out of the leftover cosmic glitter from the Big Bang, Earth emerges like a hot mess express—molten, moody, and constantly being pelted by meteors. The Moon gets created after a major collision, and honestly, the drama of it all. They’ve been in a codependent relationship ever since.

3. Life Appears (3.8 Billion Years Ago)

Some molecules got bored and decided to link up. Boom—cells. Tiny, single-celled organisms start living their best (but super lowkey) lives in the ocean. They're simple, but hey, they started it all.

4. The Oxygen Boom (2.4 Billion Years Ago)

Some of those cells started photosynthesizing and releasing oxygen like it was no big deal. Spoiler: it was. Most life forms died because they couldn’t handle the O2. This era is basically Earth’s first detox—out with the toxins, in with the breathable vibes.

5. The Cambrian Explosion (541 Million Years Ago)

Suddenly, evolution said, “Let’s party.” Complex creatures show up in the ocean with limbs, shells, eyes—style. Life gets weird and wild. This is Earth’s avant-garde phase. It’s giving Björk swan dress.

6. The Reign of the Dinosaurs (230–66 Million Years Ago)

Big. Loud. Iconic. Dinosaurs ruled the planet for millions of years. This was their Coachella.
There were plant-eaters, meat-eaters, and that little dude who ran like a velociraptor in Heelys.
And then... a space rock said, “Time’s up,” and ended the whole thing. Mass extinction: very on brand for the drama of this planet.

7. Mammals Take the Mic (66 Million Years Ago–Now)

With the dinosaurs gone, mammals rise like the opening act at a music festival. First it’s rats, then lemurs, then eventually humans—and somewhere in that evolutionary pipeline, we also get whales, sloths, and whatever a platypus is.

8. Caveman Chic (Stone Age: ~2.5 Million–3000 BCE)

Welcome to the Paleolithic runway.
Humans start walking upright, invent fire, and slap cave walls with handprints and woolly mammoth murals.
Tools? Made of rocks. Communication? Grunts. Interior design? Boulders.
But hey, they survived Ice Ages and saber-toothed tigers. We give them their flowers.

9. Ancient Civilizations (3000 BCE–500 CE)

Humans finally figured out agriculture and suddenly there’s time to do fun stuff like invent writing and blame everything on the gods.

Mesopotamia: Invented beer, writing, and complaining.
Egypt: Obsessed with eyeliner, pyramids, and cats.
Greece: Gave us democracy, philosophy, and hot dudes in sandals.
Rome: Roads, aqueducts, and a talent for drama (see: Caesar getting stabbed by his brunch squad).

This era is extra in the best way.

10. The Middle Ages (500–1500 CE)

Also known as: plague, popes, and peasantry.
Castles pop up. People start jousting. Hygiene? Not really a priority.
The Black Death kills a third of Europe, but hey, they also invented windmills and stained glass, so win some, lose some.
Witches are blamed for weather, women can’t read, and everyone’s terrified of hell.
Truly a vibe, but not a great one.

11. The Renaissance (1300s–1600s)

Time for the glow-up. After all that plague and gloom, Europe decides to rediscover art, science, and bathing.
Leonardo da Vinci invents helicopters and doodles hot dudes. Michelangelo paints abs on literal ceilings. Shakespeare writes every high school English class curriculum.
Galileo says Earth isn’t the center of the universe and gets cancelled by the Church.
It’s brains, beauty, and rebellion all rolled into one—it’s giving Florence in springtime.

12. The Age of Revolutions (1700s–1800s)

Kings are out. Guillotines are in.
America dumps the British. France goes full “eat the rich.”
The Industrial Revolution begins, and suddenly everything smells like coal and regret.
People invent trains, electricity, and pants that aren't made of wool.
This era is all about speed, steam, and overthrowing your local monarch.

13. The 20th Century (1900s)

Everything happens way too fast.
Planes. Cars. Movies. World Wars. The atomic bomb. Feminism. Disco. The Internet.
Humans go to the Moon. Barbie is born. McDonald’s goes global.
We invent sliced bread and then spend decades trying to outdo it.
Elvis. Madonna. Grunge. Hip-hop. Reality TV.
It’s chaotic, tragic, glamorous, and honestly? A little exhausting.

14. The Britney Era (1998–Forever)

This is when things truly begin.
In 1998, a Louisiana teenager with a killer voice and a schoolgirl outfit releases “...Baby One More Time.” Time freezes. History pivots.
Britney Spears becomes the center of the Earth’s rotation.
This era is marked by:

Iconic choreography
Snake accessories
Breakdown tabloid culture
Triumphant comebacks
She’s not just a pop star. She’s an era. We are all living in Britney’s World. Scientists are currently trying to rename this period The Spearsian.

15. The Present Day (2025)

Earth is still spinning. Barely.
We’ve got climate change, influencers, billionaires in space, AI that writes blog posts (hi), and TikTok trends with lifespans shorter than a mayfly.

But somehow, in between the chaos and the doomscrolling, we’re still lighting candles, vibing to nostalgia, and streaming “Toxic” like it's a spiritual practice.