How Much Are Your Body Parts Worth on the Black Market? (Asking for a Friend)

Let’s face it: the holidays are coming, rent is due, and your candle collection (ahem, check out our new These Candles Smell Like Dogs collection) isn’t going to fund itself. So, what if you could cash in on some of your… let’s say “spare parts”? Don’t get us wrong—we’re totally against illegal organ trading (duh), but the idea of slapping price tags on your organs is too darkly hilarious to resist.

So, we did a little digging (don’t ask where), and here’s how much your body bits might fetch on the black market. Again, for entertainment purposes only. No scalpels allowed!

The Black Market Price List for Your Bits and Bobs:

1. Kidney: $1,000 - $200,000
   Your kidney is the Beyoncé of your internal organs—everyone wants one. The price varies wildly depending on where you’re selling it and whether it comes with a fancy cooler. Got two? Congrats, you’re halfway to paying off your student loans.

2. Liver: $150,000 - $200,000
   The liver regenerates itself, so technically it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Too bad black-market surgeons don’t hand it back for round two. Worth it if you need a down payment on that dream house.

3. Heart: $120,000 - $250,000
   This one’s a biggie. Literally. Your ticker is worth some serious cash, but the whole “not being alive anymore” thing makes it a tough sale. Maybe just stick to selling your plasma.

4. Corneas: $15,000 per pair
   Eye see you. Selling your corneas won’t leave you blind (there’s only one backup eye market), but it will make someone else’s life brighter. Plus, $15K could buy a lot of candles. Just saying.

5. Bone Marrow: $3,000 per gram
   Turns out you’re not just full of bad decisions; you’re also full of liquid gold. A gram of bone marrow goes for $3,000, making it the real MVP of your skeletal system.

6. Lungs: $150,000 - $170,000
   Light up that celebratory joint (kidding!), because your lungs are pricey. Both together sell for nearly $300K, but good luck breathing afterward. Not recommended.

7. Skin: $10 per square inch
   Got some extra skin lying around? (C’mon, who doesn’t?) Each square inch goes for about $10. That full-body exfoliation never sounded more lucrative.

8. Eggs (for the ladies): $8,000 - $15,000 per batch
   Ladies, you’ve been sitting on a goldmine. While black-market egg sales are super sketchy, the legit fertility biz pays handsomely. Get the cash, and keep the jail-free card.

9. Sperm (for the gents): $70 per donation
   Gentlemen, you’re not rolling in the dough here. A $70 check might cover your next night out, but no one’s buying a yacht with that kind of cash. Keep dreaming.

Should You Sell?

Let’s be clear: don’t do it. Like, seriously. Aside from the minor legality issue (you know, federal prison), selling your organs is just… ew. You’re worth way more alive and intact, trust us. Also, consider the logistics—how are you going to enjoy your hard-earned cash if you’re stuck in a back-alley operating room?

Instead of selling body parts, might we suggest snagging a candle or two from our collection? They’re way cooler than a kidney and smell a lot better. After all, why make $150,000 for a liver when you can feel like $150,000 with our latest edgy scents?

So, there you have it. You’re priceless, but if anyone asks, now you know just how much you’re worth. Use the info wisely (or don’t). And for the love of all things scented—stay off the black market!