Breakups are hard. And while your mom might tell you to “take the high road,” we both know the low road is way more fun (and paved with better stories). But since we’re classy here—well, edgy-classy—we’re sticking to the kind of revenge that won’t require a lawyer on retainer. Ready? Let’s get twisted.
1. Glow Up, Baby
Nothing screams “You messed up!” louder than walking around looking hotter than their wildest dreams. Go full glam, hit the gym, or adopt a skincare routine so advanced even your pores have boundaries now. Post the thirst traps, because revenge is a dish best served filtered.
2. Become Their Friend’s Favorite Person
Oh, their bestie thinks you’re a vibe? Make that bond stronger. Show up where they least expect it and charm the pants off their inner circle. Let the group chat whispers haunt them.
3. Release Your Inner Influencer
Start a blog, a TikTok account, or a YouTube channel where you don’t name names but tell stories suspiciously similar to your relationship. If your ex had a weird thing about “their perfect playlist,” mock it publicly. Revenge is content, and content is king.
4. Win the Pet Custody Battle
Did you adopt a dog, cat, or plant together? Become the best co-parent ever...for the pet. Post adorable pics of you and Mr. Whiskers thriving without them. Bonus: Rename their precious cactus “Petty Betty.”
5. Donate Their Stuff
Still got their hoodie? How about that PlayStation game they left behind? Take it all to a thrift store—or better yet, re-gift it to your new boo. Call it the ultimate in recycling.
6. Dominate on LinkedIn
If they’re in your professional circle, become the shining star in your industry. Post achievements so jaw-dropping they’ll start every meeting thinking, “Did I screw up the love of my life?” Spoiler alert: Yes, they did.
7. Go on That Trip You Two Never Took
Remember that vacation they kept canceling? Pack your bags and go solo or with someone way more fun. Post pictures of you sipping mojitos on the beach with captions like, “Living my best life (minus the dead weight).”
8. Get a Little Spooky
This one’s for the drama queens (we see you): Create an anonymous email address and send them vague, cryptic compliments like, “You looked great in that shirt yesterday.” Is it petty? Yes. Does it hurt anyone? Nope.
9. Write a Candle That Smells Like Them
Inspired by their vibe but don’t want to light them on fire (literally)? Create a candle in their “honor.” Name it something shady like “Sour Memories” or “Vanilla But Not Sweet.” Market it as a gag gift and rake in the sales.
10. Live Your Best Life, Loudly
The ultimate revenge? Forgetting they exist. Be too busy living your dream life, dating people who are better looking (inside and out), and achieving your goals to even think about them. Nothing stings like irrelevance.
Closing Thoughts
Revenge doesn’t have to be destructive—it can be fabulous, fun, and maybe just a little wicked. Now, go out there and channel your inner chaos queen. And remember: your best revenge is looking so good, they’ll lie to everyone and say they were the one who messed up.
