Let’s face it—there’s something oddly magnetic about movie killers. Is it the mystery? The confidence? Or the fact that they’re chasing you (in a non-romantic, sharp-object way)? We may never know. But let’s set aside the body count and imagine: what if these icons of terror were your boyfriend? Would they make you swoon or send you running for the hills? (Let’s assume no stabbing—unless you’re into that, no judgment!)
For science, we’re rating these killers out of 10. And yeah, we’re going there about what they’d be like in bed. Because curiosity killed the cat, and, well, these guys kill everything else.
1. Ghostface (Scream)
Boyfriend Vibes: 7/10
Ghostface is that artsy boyfriend who’s all about the drama. He loves movies, probably quotes Tarantino way too much, and has serious commitment issues. The kind who texts you “wyd?” at 3 a.m., then takes hours to reply when you respond. On the plus side, he’s good at keeping things exciting—you’d never have a boring date. But expect a lot of gaslighting when you call him out for disappearing for days at a time.
In Bed: 6/10
Let’s just say, this guy is into roleplay. He probably insists on keeping the mask on. The foreplay is exciting (you know, with the whole "you like scary movies?" thing), but he’s more about the thrill of the chase than the main event. You might end up feeling more stabbed than satisfied.
2. Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
Boyfriend Vibes: 5/10
Freddy’s the “funny” guy. You’d be entertained, sure, but also very aware that he’s roasting you every chance he gets. Sarcasm is his love language, but does he ever actually listen? Probably not. On the bright side, he’s super protective—he’d show up in your nightmares just to make sure no one else messes with you. But his burnt skin is a bit of a red flag—self-care clearly isn’t his thing.
In Bed: 4/10
Look, the claws are an immediate dealbreaker unless you’re into living dangerously. He’d probably make way too many puns mid-act (“Let’s make this a wet dream!”). Honestly, it’s giving “tries too hard” energy.
3. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
Boyfriend Vibes: 8/10
Silent, brooding, and ripped? Jason’s got strong “emotionally unavailable gym rat” energy. He doesn’t say much, but he’s loyal as hell (to his mom, anyway). Dates would probably involve long walks in the woods, which, while romantic, could get a bit repetitive. Still, you’d feel super safe around him—he’s got your back in a fight, no question. Just don’t bring up water sports. It’s...a sensitive subject.
In Bed: 7/10
Jason’s a man of action, not words, which translates surprisingly well. He’s strong, focused, and stamina is not an issue. However, the hockey mask might make things a little impersonal. Overall, solid performance, but not much emotional connection.
4. Michael Myers (Halloween)
Boyfriend Vibes: 4/10
Michael’s the definition of emotionally unavailable. He’ll literally ghost you—except not the fun, text-you-back kind. He shows up unannounced, stands ominously outside your window, and doesn’t say a word. Ever. Communication is key, Michael! Also, he’s got major sibling drama, which might spill over into your relationship. Yikes.
In Bed: 3/10
He’s…persistent? But honestly, it’d probably feel like hooking up with a mannequin. Zero creativity, zero feedback, and the mask stays on (why is this a theme?). Hard pass.
5. Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Boyfriend Vibes: 6/10
Leatherface is that small-town guy who never really left home. He’s handy, great at DIY projects, and family-oriented (almost too family-oriented). He’s not the brightest, but he’s sweet in his own weird way. If you can get past his unique fashion choices, you might find a surprisingly thoughtful partner. Just don’t bring him to your vegan friends’ dinner parties.
In Bed: 5/10
He’s enthusiastic, we’ll give him that. But finesse? Not so much. Expect a lot of heavy breathing and…interesting noises. And again with the mask—why do they all insist on keeping the mask on?!
6. Chucky (Child’s Play)
Boyfriend Vibes: 2/10
Chucky is that obnoxious dude who never grew up. He thinks he’s hilarious (he’s not), is way too confrontational, and has a bad habit of getting you into trouble. On the plus side, he’s great with kids. But honestly, do you really want a boyfriend who’s three feet tall and carries a knife everywhere?
In Bed: 1/10
Hard no. The logistics alone are a nightmare.
7. Pennywise (It)
Boyfriend Vibes: 3/10
Pennywise is the creepy guy who thinks being weird is the same as having a personality. He’d definitely take you on dates to abandoned amusement parks and try to impress you with his balloon animals. But the whole “I feed on your fear” thing is a huge red flag. Therapy, my guy.
In Bed: 2/10
He’s a shapeshifter, so…versatility? But the vibe would be deeply unsettling. Hard pass unless you’re into clown stuff (no shame).
8. Jigsaw (Saw)
Boyfriend Vibes: 6/10
Jigsaw’s the intellectual type who’s always challenging you to be your best self. Which, like, great—but sometimes you just want to chill without solving an existential puzzle, you know? He’s super goal-oriented and thoughtful (those traps take planning!), but his definition of “romantic surprise” is definitely skewed.
In Bed: 5/10
He’s more of a “mind games” guy than a physical one. Expect a lot of intense eye contact and cryptic instructions. Could be interesting…or just exhausting.
Final Thoughts
Sure, dating a movie killer sounds thrilling, but at what cost? (Probably your life, TBH.) If you’re looking for love, maybe stick to the living. Unless you’re really into masks, in which case...you do you.
What do you think? Did we nail it, or is there a killer you’d swipe right on? Let us know in the comments—no judgment. 😘
